So, I'm writing this post sat on a mattress in my childhood bedroom with my life in IKEA bags surrounding me. A month ago I was planning a huge trip to Florida, looking at houses, and thought I was with the guy I was going to marry and have children with. Then boom, change. Hit me like a giant slap in the face.
Two weeks ago my boyfriend of three and a half years broke up with me out of the blue. It was sudden, but in a way it was a long time coming, People naturally grow apart, you focus on everything else other than the person you come home to every night and share the same bed with. This is what happened to me. Work, money, time. The three things that can kill a relationship. My break down was probably a strike of all three which is why it didn't stand much of a chance.
When you have lived with someone for three years you forget you as a person. You can forget who you are, what you like, what you do. This can be intentional, but it can also just happen through nobodies fault of their own.
At the end of the day you never know what somebody is thinking, even if you think that you know them better than anybody else. You can't force anyone else to do anything.
I didn't realise how unhappy and not myself I have been until I took a step back. I had been having regular panic attacks, feeling of suffocation in my previous place. I hated it, I hated every last bit of it. I hated my friends coming over and even my family.. That's not home. Not in my book anyway. I never thought I'd ever have to move back home. After moving out, it feels like ten leaps back to square one. But since I've been back at my Mums, my head isn't cloudy. My thoughts are real and they are mine. Just me to worry about. I have forgotten what it's like to think of only me. Usually it's "oh i'll get so and so some food because he'll be hungry". I always put everybody else first. Now it's time for me.
I feel more focused and driven than what I have done for a long while. Maybe if that's because it's just me to worry about. There are so many things I want to do, see and achieve. I'm hoping now because there is only me to think about that I can, and will do it.
You know what they say, when one door closes another one opens. I'm ready to close to door on this part of my life and go exploring through to the next one.
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