Anxiety...and all of the shit that comes with it

Hello! I hope you are well. If you have clicked on this post you may just be intrigued. You may suffer from anxiety yourself or someone close to you may live with it, or you may just want to know more.

 I always found posts from people who also suffer with anxiety somewhat comforting as it kind of smacks you back into reality knowing that you are not the only one. Zoe Sugg is an amazing example of this and her videos and posts have truly helped me in the past. This is kind of my way of saying thank you, with the aim of helping others even if it is just one person. That one person may be you who have clicked on this post.

I can remember the first time I felt properly anxious. I had forgotten to do my homework. Bear in mind I was in about year 5 in primary school, so realistically not a big deal. I was always a good pupil and did all of my other work on time. I can remember my brother shouting at me telling me to "not be such a baby". This as you can imagine this made me feel a million times worse. An  over whelming feeling worse than dread took over. It was horrible and looking back not a feeling a 9 year old should have. From that point everything in my childhood was kind of a blur. I was never a nervous or shy child. I took part in school plays and after school activities and had plenty of hobbies. But there was always something there, something that I had to face in my head.

During Sixth Form it all snowballed from there. I was on tablets for anxiety and also depression. There was something in my head telling me that I wasn't good enough, that I would fail and that every one around me even my friends hated me. So anxiety was not only starting to change my personality, but it was starting to make me feel paranoid and on edge every day. This as you can imagine affected my friendships as I felt I had to remove myself away from the crowd. In fact the only time I would ever want to do anything was to go out on the weekend and get royally hammered (this is not the answer may I add) as when I was drunk the bad feelings would go away.
I made the decision to leave sixth form a year early because it was getting so bad. I even remember my mum dropping me off at the bus stop in the morning and i'd get on a different bus and go somewhere random or just wonder around the town centre (also definitely not the answer). This pretty much made the decision for me. I was running away from it, basically running away from myself.
 I was in a dark place for a while and felt like I didn't have many people to talk to about it. My mum is amazing and I can always go to her when I'm upset but I didn't want to feel like I was constantly going on about the same thing over and over again. I have had various doctors visits and medication over the years but I don't like to take them. I feel I go from caring about everything to nothing, and not being in control is a nightmare for me.
Panic attacks were also a common thing, sometimes even getting them every day. To anyone who has never had one, they honestly feel like your body is giving up on you and that you will never be able to stop crying or hyperventilating. Never wanting to leave the house or go to work. I also lost a lot of weight as I would always look at myself so negatively even my physical appearance felt tormented by this. Quite honestly it was absolutely shit.

Anxiety can have an effect on my love life. Sometimes I'm a bloody nightmare to live with. I can be so up an down my poor boyfriend can sometimes have no idea how to take me. In turn it can make me feel even more shit because I feel like I have ruined the one good thing in my life. Luckily I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend. He is so understanding and after living with me for nearly 3 years he pretty much gets it, and knows it isn't aimed at him. Just unfortunately he is mostly in the firing line.
I'm so lucky in that my best friend also goes through with this and we are like each others rock and we completely understand what each other are going through which is a blessing and to be honest I don't know what i'd do without her sometimes.

Finally at the age of 21 I have started to understand anxiety and how to control it. I know it will never go away as it is just how I am programmed. I will probably always be a nervous crying wreck but there are ways to help you feel so much better about yourself. Things that I wish I found out earlier in life.

• Talk to a friend, don't be scared about opening up. You never know they may be feeling very similar and also needing that comfort.
• Get out of bed and go for a walk. Some mornings I feel like my legs don't work. As soon as I'm in fresh air I feel so much better.
• Get a colouring book. This is something I have only recently discovered but they work a treat for me. On a day i'm feeling slightly on edge i'll whack out my crayolas and sit for hours colouring.
• Listen to a calming band. I listen to Bombay Bicycle Club or Foals or just music that reminds me of a happy moment.

• Look at old photos e.g. holiday snaps. Easy, I just scroll down my instagram.
• Do something you love. Whether it be horse riding, drawing or reading. It always takes me to a happy place to feel my calmest.
• JUST REMEMBER YOU ARE BRILLIANT.

Growing up I really wish I had a Zoella or a Tanya Burr, as anxiety was never really a talked about thing. Now its amazing that people can open up to others about it.

If you got to the end of this post then thank you so much for reading. This takes a lot of balls as it's something I rarely talk about let alone shout out over the internet. So be nice!